Diary Entry: 7th September 2016 - Akilah SP

07 September 2016

Diary Entry: 7th September 2016

Do I want to continue blogging?


It's 3:15am and I'm spending another night with my old friend Insomnia. Times like these I tend to reflect on my life, where I am, where I want to be etc. This may or may not be surprising, but for the past few months I've been seriously considering whether or not I actually want to continue with this whole blogging and YouTube malarkey.

I've been working on my blog and YouTube channel for around 6 years now and in this time I have absolutely loved it. It gave me something to do other than studying and it provided me with a space to escape life's hardships. Recording my videos or writing a blog post has usually been a therapeutic process for me. Unfortunately, of late it has felt more like a burden or added stress.

From the bloggers who blatantly fake friendships just to "network", to the various companies who ask me to collaborate only to ignore my responses (or tell me my following is too small, despite the fact that they reached out to me first!) - I am simply fed up of it. I've seen first-hand how superficial this community can be and quite frankly it doesn't match the morals or standards I try to live by day-to-day.

I've never really felt as if I fitted into any kind of blogging "community" - I'm not particularly great at makeup, I change my hair constantly and I'd rather spend £40 on a good meal than a pair of jeans. My thing was and always has been just doing me - whatever that means at the time of publication. If I want to talk about shaving half of my hair off, I will. If I want to share something more personal in a bid to help others, I will.

Ironically my sharing of personal experiences has been the most difficult, yet rewarding part of my blogging journey. When I made my initial Life Update video in 2014, admitting that I had been battling depression and anxiety behind closed doors - I was terrified! I didn't feel that I could even speak to family about this issue, yet here I was posting it on the World Wide Web! But this was just the beginning of my most important lesson - I am not the only person in the world going through this crap and by sharing how I'm dealing with it I have the potential to help others.

To this day I still receive many emails and messages thanking me for my video on Emotional Abuse from March 2015. On reflection, it's these things - not the hauls or the makeup tutorials - that encourage me to keep this up. So in a bid to move forwards, I have been brainstorming my new approach for the future. I will be continuing with blogging, because I believe I can redirect my focus and reconnect with the love I once had for this hobby of mine. I'm no longer putting unnecessary pressure on myself to have the prettiest backdrops or the best lighting. I want my content to reflect who I am - honest, raw, thought-provoking and sometimes a little messy!

In the last 9/10 months I have been through so much - most of which I have kept to myself. With worrying depression relapses and long-term unemployment clouding my ability to be happy, I hope it's clear why blogging has taken a backseat. There are brands I had agreements with, who have been extremely patient with me during this time. Thank you, although very late I still do have every intention of fulfilling my end of every commitment I agreed to. I would like to apologise to my subscribers and followers - some of whom have personally contacted me to find out where I am/what's going on/when I'll be back. I truly appreciate your support and the fact that you even noticed my absence is amazing to me.

I guess this is kinda my return to the platform? Isn't it funny how I feel exactly how I felt on the day I made this blog - nervous and unsure, yet incredibly excited for the future.

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